15. 3310

“Somewhere.” Jenny says, “There is a drawer in this house with an old Nokia 3310 in it, with a picture of someone” she cups her hands round her mouth, in case the kids are listening, and mouths some words. I only manage to lip read “into someone’s mouth”

I don’t quite catch the first word, but I can guess what it is. Nothing she says ever surprises me. I can always rely on her honesty. It’s more refreshing than brutal. That’s what I like about her.

“Mobile phone nudes are the modern equivalent of finding some polaroids in a trunk in your grandma’s attic of her when she was young.” I say.

“Do you think?” She replies.

“Like ‘Readers Wives’ was when we were young” I say. “I’m glad I’m not dating these days. It must be a nightmare with all that sexting and revenge porn. We’ve never even face-timed when he’s been working away.”

“I think men are getting bored of it now. I hope they are.” She says. “I am. That hair-pulling does nothing for me. I don’t understand how some of them don’t realise that prawn is a just a film, and not an instructional video.” She always says ‘porn’ as ‘prawn’. She continues. “They should put a disclaimer on. For entertainment purposes only.” She does air quotes around that last sentence.

“It must be a bit of a shock when you find out that none of the moves you see on screen that do the trick so easily, actually work in real life.” I say, chuckling.

“Well, some people are twats aren’t they? They think that they would be able to get up and walk away from a knife fight cos it’s just a ‘flesh wound’ (she does air quotes again) cos they’ve seen it at the cinema. Maybe they should try getting to know someone first and finding out what a real woman actually wants.”

“Very true.” I say.

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