65. No Medicine For Regret.

Like some people, I can be overly self-critical of my past.

A few times, I’ve been sat in meditative contemplation, just passing the time of day, with the calm silence of my thoughts. Trapped on a plane, train or automobile. A captive audience for an unwanted memory to bubble up. I can’t escape it. Suddenly, unexpectedly, like a geyser, I remember. Something I was grateful to let go of and forget.

I am right back there, in that moment. Before the shame, forgiveness and acceptance. Looking around the corner of a future decision, I am staring at the possible consequences of my potentially stupid actions and urging myself to walk away, not do it, calm down.

What was I thinking!

I thank my lucky stars that the majority of my misbehaviour was pre-internet. There may be the odd photo or vhs still around, but the right of my past to be forgotten is freely obtained purely due to virtue of when I was born.

However, I have no time for those whose tall tales of their bravado are always from their youth, and have no recent stories of misadventure or failure. A little probing and the timeline and facts don’t quite add up. I see it as a weakness to pretend to live a perfect life.

My errors of judgement were not illegal and may have fortunately only resulted in physical injury to myself and not others, but didn’t stop once I ‘grew up’. My biggest, most expensive mistake, and another that has cost me months of my peace of mind were very recent. If I could go back, and do them differently, I would. I know my intentions were true, but I’ve been judged on my behaviour. Uncomfortable as it is, on reflection, I have chosen not to try to explain further to some people in my life. I know them well enough to think they probably wouldn’t change their perceptions or opinions of me even if they knew all of the facts, so talking would just muddy the waters.

What could have been is just that.

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13 thoughts on “65. No Medicine For Regret.

  1. My biggest and most expensive mistake was very recent as well…and well what others think of us has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them! I love the quote, if you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not making decisions. Love this post! Just reaffirms where I’m at and where I’m headed. Thank you! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It may have seemed that way… but there is a reason you mistook your contentment for boredom… the past is always easier to digest… easier to say things were better… the past is what lead you to here… and here will lead you to a future… we only stay in place when we are dead… when the future is no more… keep on living in the present… see where it takes you… let the past guide you…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Stability is awesome but – mistakes can lead to amazing things too. I like both I guess. “I see it as a weakness to pretend to live a perfect life” too. I have learned to accept all of me and be proud of what I can, and own the rest at least. People act like it’s so strange to see someone being truthful about their fuck ups. But I think it’s sad that it’s so strange. It’s where everyone has a right to be. We shouldn’t have to be perfect for each other or anyone, or especially ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my days I have made some bad decisions in my time! Regret and pain has followed swiftly after, however, I’ve learnt some very valuable things and I am very much healthier for it. Indeed, too much dwelling does not help one move on and learn 😉 I look forward to reading more! x

    Liked by 2 people

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