127. Nothing Up His Sleeve

I scrunched up my eyes and tried to pretend to fall asleep in the car so Mummy and Uncle Pete might talk about people I know and swear, but he poked me in my belly and it made me laugh. I asked them why if Jenny could get herself pregnant but didn’t want to keep it, then why didn’t she give the baby to that lady who lost hers?

Uncle Pete was really good at catching beanbags and said that if I practiced I would never go hungry, even if I had to juggle three jobs for tips. He said that Mummy liked to practice riding her bike before she met my Daddy. Mummy tried to hit him but he held her wrist. She rubbed her arm and said sorry to him.

A man from Daddy’s work had a heart attack in Tenerife so his wife asked if we could keep Stella. Daddy put her in a box with her name on it as a surprise. I tried to teach her to jump through my hula hoop and run through the play tunnel then catch a bean bag in her mouth. Stella growled at Uncle Pete but he said if he gave her a good bone, she would know he was her master.

At the party, Uncle Pete picked me up and tried to dance with me but his breath smelled like beer and ciggies. I wiggled my legs, but he wouldn’t put me down until I kissed him. His prickly beard was nearly all white except for some brown bits around his mouth and some spit came out when he laughed.

When he did the Gangnam Style dance he smacked a lady’s bottom, and then she spilled her drink down her dress. A man asked him if he wanted to go outside, probably for a ciggie, so we didn’t get to do our magic show. My brother was supposed to say that he needed a volunteer, then point at Uncle Pete with his new wand from Olivanders and say you sir. Then he would join us on stage to charm the crowd and find money from behind our ears. He has done time which I think means he can take off people’s watches without them knowing. I heard a man say that you should watch out for his tricks but I didn’t see him do any.

I was crying because I wished that Jenny was there to see me in my Elsa dress as the glamorous assistant before I had to go to bed. I didn’t want Uncle Pete to make Marcus disappear, and then he said that he wouldn’t do that because he wasn’t worth it but that Marcus was inside for a lie down for his own good. He held up his phone and Marcus was inside the phone shouting and banging on the glass. When Marcus gets out he said he will do the right thing, and did I want to be a bridesmaid?

Uncle Pete tickled me so fast and wouldn’t stop even when I shouted. Then I wet myself. Stella ran over to Mummy and barked at her.

I always thought that if I had a little white scottie dog or a scruffy dog, I’d call her ‘Stella’, so I could holler her name!

Like a lot of people, I’m not my greatest fan of seeing or hearing myself on camera. (The lockdown weight gain and scraggy hair come free of charge) If I was talking to myself, then I’d be all, “get over yourself, woman. No-one gives a fart about what you look like, except you.”
So, here I am, reciting a poem I wrote about My Leicester. It’s called ‘One Hour Six Minutes’ as that’s as long as it takes the train from Leicester, to get to the gorgeous St Pancras station in London.
Thank you to Writing East Midlands for putting on these writing classes for residents of Britain’s most locked-down city. Special thanks to the brilliant tutor, Mahsuda Snaith.

Everyone who knows me knows that I never pass up the opportunity to write a letter, send a card or buy a postcard from the gift shop. I have been known to go to the gift shop and skip the museum. Obviously, I cannot tell you if I scribbled my lockdown secret on a postcard and sent it to Marby & Elm but….

Finally, and by no means least, I was chuffed to hear some new music by Josienne Clarke. ‘Sit Out’ is a banger. I think I called it a “floor-filler” on twitter. Anyway, get your air guitar ready. There’s a new album coming very soon!